From Niagara To Viagra: An Essay On Sexuality And The Axemen

From emerging adulthood to sexy senior citizenship, guys with guitars will always attract the ladies (band bunnies being just one sexist example of the popular culture). Certain female fans do become infatuated with guitar guys and oftentimes, guitar guys become infatuated with their female fans.

In a line: Condoms replace doldrums. As quickly as the stage can be cleared, some of the ladies from the ruck of fans will be consumed by the guitar guy, anticipating a pedestal evening of lust and sexual adventure. When the sun goes down, and the drinks, and the drugs, and the music comes up, so doeth the f/risky behaviors. These are the perfect storm conditions for the abandonment of fidelity and loyalty, both being readily displaced for compulsion and passion. Betrothed or not, these ladies will solely be preoccupied and absorbed in the idea of carnal pleasure, excluding all their common sense values in the pursuit. (These wanting ladies shall be easily recognized by their flicking eyelids and tittupping physical manoeuvres on the dance floor!)

I'd like to present to the reader some sweat equity questions:

• Am I implying that guitar guys and their one-night stands have loose morals?

• Am I implying that guitar guys and their one-night stands typically overvalue one another because of their compulsory natures in the heat of the musical moments?

• Am I projecting the stereotypical sexist nature between these narcissistic guitar beasts and their flummoxed dancing beauties?

• Are these namby-pamby night club attractions representative of physical attractions elsewhere and everywhere?

Also, I'd like to present to the reader some sexual philosophy on age:

Age is what it is, a number. Age determines when we can go to school, drive a car, vote, and go to war. We also have a biological age of which some of us are luckier than others. The age for sex is not just for the young. Fact. Men and women like have sex well into late life. Though our sexuality changes as we mature, our aging does not end our sex lives.

In our spring and salad years we are hot, hot, hot. In our autumn years our bodies begin to wrinkle and our leafs begin to curl. In our winter years, where there's a will there's a way. (We may not be having penis-vagina intercourse, but we will still have our hands, our mouths, and the coolest of sex toys.)

By the very nature of our sexuality, as long we keep our guitars strumming, we shall be desired.

I'm not just talking about Beatlemania or Bieber Fever guitarists. I am suggesting (in sexist fashion) that alas, fellow buskers, there is no need to be chopfallen and jealous of any bandsters and their guitar antics. Even for we, buskers, (again in sexist fashion) there'll always be available, the choicest of luscious ladies who are ripe and ready for our pickins'.

Erotic impulses are going to last our lifetime. All of our sexual rendezvous, from those honeymoon evenings in Niagra, to those afternoon tea time tete-a-tetes in the nursing home, are just reminders to keep in mind, guitar guys ...

that we have the rest of our livelong days to keep grinding that axe!